A healthy relationship with the truth is essential for a happy, successful life.

But this is not a simple thing; the ability to see, acknowledge, and accept what’s true – about ourselves, our circumstances, our relationships; our own strengths and weaknesses, and the challenges we face – is actually much harder than it may seem.

We have all known people in our lives who are smart, self-aware, and curious, but they keep making the same mistakes over and over in one particular area of their lives. You see it, other people see it, but they don’t seem to see it at all.

It’s even more difficult when other people are seeing things that we don’t see – and seeing that we don’t see them.

I remember as a young psychotherapist in my 20s (I’ve been doing this for a very long time!) discovering a new approach or technique that seemed to do wonders. All I could see was the success, and it was exciting.

What I wasn’t seeing was my own confirmation bias, that would minimize my assessment of where it didn’t work very well, and maximize where it did.

It took some time and experience to see that every approach has its strengths and weaknesses, and every client I work with is unique – what’s helpful with one person may do nothing for another.

And this sort of confirmation bias is something I still have to stay continually vigilant about – because our biases never disappear.

We are made for learning and growth. Our success in life depends, to a significant extent, on increasing our awareness and understanding of the world. Yet we have a tremendous array of biases that color our interpretation of what we perceive, what we experience, and what we think we know.

These biases are not flaws in our system, they exist because they are functional. Like our habits, in most situations, most of the time, these biases work pretty well for us, and the automatic nature of them allows us to live without being continually overwhelmed with bringing consciousness and willpower into every tiny aspect of our lives.

We generally work very hard to confirm our existing beliefs, stories, and biases – because the familiar story that we live within gives us a sense of security and constancy. It’s comforting to feel that what we think we know is true, that what we believe is true, that our sense of the world is true.

…even when it’s not actually true.

Read More

To ruminate means literally to chew over and over again. It’s what cows do with grass so they can draw as much of the nutritional value from it as they can.

When we dwell too much on what hurt us in the past, we are doing a different kind of ruminating. We “re-chew” our negative thoughts and memories, drawing as much pain and suffering out of them as we possibly can.

This is one of the worst things we can do for our sense of happiness and well-being.

The compulsion to ruminate can be powerful, especially if we’ve practiced it a lot. We can develop an irresistible urge to replay the events that have made us miserable. Yet some older popular notions from psychology can lead people to believe this is a good thing. We think we are figuring something out. In fact, it’s more like re-striking a bruised injury thinking that will help it to heal.

When we purposefully remember painful memories over and over again, without changing our perspective towards them, we actually reinforce the pain with each visit.

Remember, our narrative memories aren’t facts, they are stories that can contain facts—but they can also contain mistaken ideas or conclusions. So when we ruminate we are not exploring Truth with a capital “T,” we are replaying a painful and helpless story.

I don’t say this to deny anybody’s experience or to minimize anybody’s trauma, but the best thing we can do with painful experiences is to have them take their proper place in history.

Continually revisiting past painful experiences digs those feelings in deeper, keeps them active in our life today, and we can come to see the world through the lens of meaning and pain we felt in the past. Our feelings about every situation, every interaction that remotely resonates with those memories can amplify out of proportion to the current reality.

I’ve had clients whose lives were put on hold for decades, frozen in the hope that through going over and over a past painful relationship, or an awful event, they could somehow “heal” from it. What was unspoken was the belief that if they thought over the event enough, they could actually change the past—which is just not possible.

Winston Churchill once said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Here’s the way to keep moving through those stuck memories, meanings, and feelings, and come out better on the other side:

Instead of treading the same painful ground over and over, dispute the assumptions you bring to that event. Look to view them from a different perspective. Look for other elements of the event that you were not focusing on at the time.

Sometimes we can take things personally that are not personal to us at all. Somebody who snaps at us in anger may actually be in the midst of something completely unrelated to us; or a comment that we took as rejection may have been meant as a courageous gift of valuable feedback.

Our feelings are not objective facts. Feelings come from our experience; they are a subjective response to the meaning that we make of events. That’s how two people can experience the same event and come away with entirely different meanings and feelings associated with that event.

The trick to stop ruminating is to dispute your assumptions.

Read More

Giving and helping others are wonderful things. We are appreciated when we give to others through charity, volunteer work, or other acts of kindness; and rightly so. When we can help another person in some way, it creates a spirit of goodwill, and it’s one of the single most important acts we can do for our own happiness.

What’s often overlooked though is how much consciousness, caring, time, money, and energy each one of us already puts into significantly helping other people every day – through the work we do.

Every hour we’ve spent in a classroom, in an internship, and at work is an hour we’ve spent honing and perfecting our skills. Every dollar we’ve spent for tuition, books, seminars, travel – and of course those most expensive of seminars, the cost of failure or loss that have added to our wisdom – is a dollar we’ve spent investing in our ability to do our work well.

And every ounce of energy we’ve spent thinking about, worrying over, creating ideas for, and sweating through hard work and difficult times is an ounce of energy that increases our ability to provide some kind of product or service to another human being.

It’s popular these days to dismiss all this because we’re doing it for the money; as though earning money cheapens our efforts, makes our efforts base, selfish, or materialistic.

But earning a living from what we do makes it possible and reasonable for us to do it. When demagogues lecture young college graduates to forego making money, and instead to do something else that helps people, they are telling them that what we do to make money does not help people.

This, of course, is exactly the opposite of the truth.

Money is the great measure of value. That some people get money through deceit or fraud or through the use of political power or manipulation does not negate the fact that most of us make our livings doing something that is of value to other people – and to enough other people that the aggregate of what they pay allows for us to afford those things we need and want.

The contractor we hired to remodel our house some years ago was not simply willing to hammer some nails to help out in our time of need. He makes his living doing what he does. We paid him a lot of money, and in return we got all the skill, experience, and knowledge, familiarity with the sub-contractors, and accountability that led to the finished product we were happy with. The work he did then continues to add to our quality of life every single day.

He didn’t do this as a sacrifice; it was the most moral and benevolent of human interactions: it was an exchange.

Think of the work you do. How many hundreds or thousands of hours have you invested in learning the skills you use? How many years have you spent practicing those skills to earn the level of competence you bring to your work today?

This is what you give back to the world each and every day, without even thinking about it.

Read More

Man should not try to avoid stress any more than he would shun food, love or exercise.

• Hans Selye

It is common knowledge that too much stress is bad for us; yet stress is also a necessary and vital part of living well. Anything that you do that involves challenging yourself, confronting situations that require your best efforts, or pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone will involve a degree of stress.

Happiness is not the absence of stress; it is living with a degree of stress that we can manage. And there’s new research that turns what we thought we knew about stress on its head – what’s most important for our health and well-being is not the stress itself, but what we believe about stress.

When we’re feeling too much stress in our lives, there are two things that we can do:

• Do less of what causes us stress
• Learn to manage a higher level of stress

Legendary UCLA Basketball coach John Wooden said, “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” That one sentence contains great leverage for decreasing stress. A major cause of stress is worrying and spinning our wheels trying to do things that are outside of our control.

When we focus on what we can’t do, we feel both revved up to want to do something, and simultaneously helpless to actually do anything. It’s like having one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake at the same time. To that end, focusing most of our efforts on what we can do will make us more effective, and less stressed out.

Another thing we can do to decrease external stress is to take stock of our environment, and find what increases our stress. Do you spend a lot of time commuting? Are you in an environment that overloads your senses, or in which you feel threatened? If you can change such things you can lower your stress levels.

Here are three simple but effective things we can do to increase our capacity for stress:

• Deliberately breathing more slowly and deeply (not too deeply that you hyperventilate): Practicing breathing between 4-6 breaths per minute for a few minutes a day can help calm your system overall.
• Practicing relaxing: Meditation, prayer, giving yourself time to look at the stars at night… anything that trains your body and mind to relax will strengthen your ability to relax when you need to.
• Regular physical exercise: There are huge psychological and physical benefits to regular exercise – from strengthening our capacity for stress, to decreasing anxiety, to preventing and relieving depression, to increasing your overall health and resilience.

And beyond these, one of the most effective strategies for managing stress is to make plans.

Read More