For some, happiness is a word that conjures up visions of selfish people concerned only with their own pleasure; but this sort of hedonistic approach to happiness is a recipe for serial bursts of pleasure at the expense of long-term happiness.
When I speak of happiness, I am describing a much richer concept; more akin to what the ancient Greeks called eudaimonia or “success at being human.”
One of the central elements for living well is how we relate to other people. In this regard, happiness is literally the opposite of self-centeredness or self-absorption. In fact, contrary to many Las Vegas advertisements or Hollywood-lifestyle fantasies, self-absorption is a key ingredient for depression, and single-minded focus on personal pleasure is a recipe for long-term misery.
So here’s the single most effective thing we can do to get an immediate and significant boost to our genuine happiness – and to set the stage for a deeper, long-term happiness as well. It’s simple. It’s not mysterious. But it is substantial:
Do something kind for another person.
It’s wonderful to be on the receiving end of kindness, and kind acts build trust and create a wonderful atmosphere in which to live, work and flourish.
But as much good as kindness does for others, it also does wonders for us on the giving end. Kindness and happiness go together like Astaire and Rogers; Lennon and McCartney, Peanut Butter and Jam… You get the idea. Kindness and happiness build on each other and reinforce each other. We know this from experience; but it’s nice to also have some research to back it up:
In a study by Otake, Shimai, Tanaka-Matsumi, Otsui, and Fredrickson, “Happy People Become Happier Through Kindness,” the authors found some important results:
- Happy people have more positive memories, and more motivation to recognize and perform kind behaviors
- People become happier, kinder, and more grateful when they simply count their own acts of kindness for one week
Happiness and kindness reinforce one another. Not only do happy people pay attention to and perform more kind acts, but by simply counting our own acts of kindness over the course of a week, our happiness increases, and we become kinder and more grateful as well.
Counting our acts of kindness is a specific, tangible exercise that we can practice.
I am not advocating counting and hoarding and bragging about our kind acts or keeping a ledger to show others what a wonderful, kind person we are. This is an exercise that focuses our awareness on our own kind behavior. Since we get good at what we practice – for good or ill – by paying attention to our kind acts, we get better at thinking about and noticing kind acts. We thereby build awareness of the intrinsic feelings of joy and increased happiness that comes from doing kind things.
One of my favorite writers, philosopher Eric Hoffer, said it well: “Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind.”
This is the creation of a benevolent cycle. We do a kind act, feel the joy of it, notice the joy we bring through the doing, and it becomes more attractive for ourselves and for the recipient of our kindness to do more kind acts, feel the joy of it… And the benevolence builds.
There is one important caveat to this, however.
Recent Comments