One of the most common questions I get in my coaching practice goes something like this:
“My (husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, neighbor, etc.) has this behavior, or belief, or way of doing things… How can I get them to change it?”
Now, if it’s a very specific behavior, and changing it would make a big difference in your relationship, it’s always worth just simply asking, for example, “When you talk with your mouth full it really bothers me, could you please do your best to not talk while you’re chewing?”
But often what we want the other person to change is much bigger and more abstract than that.
Of course, we’ve all felt this at some time or other – “If only this person we care about would just stop being so negative, or change this one belief… then they’d be so much better off.” (It’s always something that seems so obvious and simple… to us.)
The big problem with this is that it’s hard enough to change a big habit or belief within ourselves, when we want to. Trying to get somebody else to change a habit or belief, that maybe they don’t want to change, is really a long-shot.
I’ve been working with people to – in part – help them change their beliefs and habits for over 40 years. It’s something I enjoy very much, and have a lot of success with. But it’s not easy. It takes time and energy – and often a good deal of courage – to face our troubling behaviors, and the fears that sometimes accompany them.
When we nag, lecture, cajole, or manipulate those we love to be more the way we think they should be, in that moment we’re not really in relationship with them. In that moment we’re not seeing them as a human being, with all the complexity and unique internal experience that we each live within. We’re seeing them as a thing to make different. In order for them to live up to our expectations of them.
I don’t mean to say that we don’t generally love or understand them, but when we go into that particular mode of “teaching,” and what we’re teaching is the lesson we think this person needs to learn… in that moment, we’re disconnected from that person.
When was the last time you changed somebody else’s behavior by nagging or lecturing them? Or better yet: When was the last time you changed your behavior from somebody else nagging or lecturing you?
We can frighten or intimidate someone to do certain actions, but that’s not helping them to become a better person; that’s just forcing them to act in certain ways… when we’re looking.
The truth is, we’re powerless to change and control people. We’re helpless to make somebody else be just the way we want them to be. We’re not machines to be programmed or fixed; we’re living, thinking, feeling human beings; each with our own hopes, aspirations, and visions for ourselves. And those hopes, aspirations, and visions are going to conflict – often – with other people’s hopes, aspirations, and visions. None of us are going to just toss all that aside because somebody else wants us to be different.
Each one of us is a world, and understanding and honoring that – and being curious about each other’s worlds – is essential for a successful relationship.
Here’s the good news, though: We do influence one another; and we influence one another in a big way.
But that influence isn’t linear, and it’s not something we can direct in such a way that we guarantee any particular outcome.
We have the most influence on the people with whom we have good relationships. That means less nagging and lecturing, and more listening, kindness, playfulness, and curiosity.
If you want to influence your children to be better people, be good to them, pay attention to them, listen to them, ask them about what they like, do things with them; and be good people yourself. Be clear about structure and limits and expectations, but in a way that has integrity with your actions. They’re watching you… everything you do. Because you matter to them.
If you’re behaving badly, and then you tell them they should behave well, they’ll hear what they see you do, and not what you say. If you’re behaving in a way that’s consistent with what you say your values are, then they’ll see that you have integrity – that you walk your talk. Then your words will matter, because they match what they see you doing.
If you want your partner to be more loving and attentive, be more loving and attentive yourself; and then at some point you can ask for more of what you want from them, too. But they’ll already feel more loved and cared for and will be more likely to want to do the same for you.
If you want somebody else to change for the better, build a good, positive, caring relationship with them, and show them your values through your actions.
Then let them be who they are, and trust that you’re doing what you can do… and be patient! Human growth and change takes time. It’s much more like growing a fruit tree than going to the store and buying fruit; the roots deepen, the branches expand, the leaves stretch out to take in sunlight… and then the blossoms appear that will lead to the fruit.
But they will grow for the better in their own way, not according you your expectations of them.
In other words, as I’ve said elsewhere: focus on the things you can control, not the things you can’t control. We can’t control how much or what the quality of the fruit is, but we can water and attend to the elements that allow it to grow. We can’t control other people; but we can control what we say and do ourselves, how we attend to them, the examples we show ourselves in our everyday lives… and that’s where our biggest influence is.
What they do with it… that’s up to them.
PS: I’m currently expanding my life coaching practice. Go to my website to sign up for a free 30-minute initial conversation.
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